On Being a Mom...

Life has changed so much since Aidan came into my life. I never before had responsibility for another human life, much less one who is 50% me and 50% the person I fell completely in love with and married. He is beautiful and intelligent and I am so very much in love. He's changed me and my life - my needs no longer matter and I don't care that they don't matter anymore.

When I was pregnant with Aidan, every action I took directly affected him, they still do now, but now I can SEE the consequences of my actions. Like letting him cry for a few extra seconds when I need to finish my once a day meal, then seeing tears streaming down his cheeks when I realize he's hungry and just wants his mommy. Talk about feeling guilty since I was sitting there wolfing down a cheese and mustard sandwich and he was watching me while he wanted to eat. Sometimes I feel totally inadequate, like I am doing everything wrong. But then there's moments like today, when he smiles when I start talking to him and he tries to crawl over Daddy to get to me, it makes me realize I'm doing something right.

Aidan is still sleeping in our room, in fact, he's sleeping in bed with me. (And Daddy, when he has his nights off). He was previously sleeping in a bassinett in our room, but we had nightly pacifier wars - Aidan would spit out the pacifier about every ten seconds and then scream and cry until we put it back in his mouth. Now that he's sleeping with us, he doesn't seem to care so much about his pacifier. He just really seems to enjoy being so close to us.

My Dad tells me that we're "ruining" Aidan by letting him sleep in bed with us. I guess it's as much for me as it is for Aidan. I can't imagine not being so close to him. It's so nice to just be able to wake up in the middle of the night and make sure he's still breathing. Sure, it may be a little neurotic, but after losing Michael, I think I have the right to be a little neurotic. Aidan will only be little for such a short time and I'd like to enjoy it as much as I can. Pretty soon he'll be sleeping in his own crib (I cringe just thinking about it!).

I'm still not to the point where I'll allow anyone to babysit Aidan. I know this makes both my parents and Alex's parents crazy, but I'm just not ready to be away from Aidan. I've spent practically every minute with Aidan since he was born and I guess I'm not ready to "cut the cord," so to speak. I really don't know how some Moms are able to go back to work after just six weeks maternity leave - I know I couldn't have done it. (But, if there are any of those Moms reading this - please don't take that as an attack on you - I just couldn't do it myself...)

Alex and I have two movie tickets that have been sitting on our desk in the office for quite some time. They're just waiting to be used and I know that Alex would really love a "night out" without Aidan. I'm going to have to "give in" eventually - I just need to prepare myself for that. Maybe next week. Then again, maybe not. =)

The next question, once I finally get to the point where I'll let someone babysit Aidan, is who do we ask to babysit? Both sets of our parents are dying to watch him. How do we choose which set of grandparents to babysit? I told Alex that we'll let them decide, but he didn't like that option. I just know both sets of parents and I also know that whoever we don't pick will have hurt feelings. They may not tell us they're hurt (although they probably will), but I just don't know what to do. Maybe that's one of the reasons I've been putting off a "night out." I just don't know.

So, today Aidan is eight weeks and one day old. I cannot believe he's been in our lives for eight weeks. Well, I suppose he's been in our lives for forty-seven weeks if you include the weeks of pregnancy. On one hand, I feel like Aidan has been in our lives forever. It's truly hard to remember what life was like without Aidan. Yet, on the other hand, I can't believe he's already eight weeks old. Where did the time go? I remember, like it was yesterday, holding him in the hospital and being so amazed at what a beautiful little human being Alex and I made. We created this gorgeous little baby with our love. How is that possible? It is truly a blessing. So amazing.

Right now, as I type this, Aidan is sitting in his boppy, next to me on the couch. He's making the most adorable little smiles in his sleep. He just recently started smiling and every time I see his big gummy smile, it melts my heart. I feel like a little girl with a first crush - every time I see that smile. I fall in love with him more and more every day.